Dopplegänger Delight

Tuesday 18 April 2006

I'll stop reminiscing quickly to let you know that i have a hot date tonight. This is great news, a real step forward for your pal Hopper. I really feel like I'm starting to get back on my feet again, and I've got the number of a lady if you need proof of my mental and spiritual health.

It all started a fortnight ago when it dawned on me that I'd never find another woman as perfect as my dead-as-a-dodo wife, Sally. Like the Steller's Sea cow that she resembled towards the end of her days, she is gone forever. This was something of an epiphany and for the first time in ten years I started to think about the future and not the past. The next move was perfectly natural:

I drove to a Gas Station out of town, doused my legs with gasoline, lit a cigarette and let it drop to my feet and watched the flames as they seared the fabric of my jeans onto the blistered skin on my legs. Nobody was paying any attention until I shouted for help and the fire was quickly smothered with a blanket by Sergei, a local farmer.

When everything had calmed down and the paramedics were treating my 2nd degree burns, Yuri Rakhmanov, the town's Sheriff wanted to know if I'd seen the careless smoker that had caused this accident. My plan was starting to work. I gave him an exact description of Sally (Dead Wife) and all of the matching local women were rounded up by the Sheriff dept. All I had to do next was make my pick at a lineup.

I waited for the one I liked (let's call her Sally #2) outside the station after i'd told Yuri that I couldn't see my accidental assailant amongst the women. I did actually recognise the the woman I'd chosen - her resemblance to Sally was remarkable. We got chatting and I was on top form. She was no match for my charm and a tonight's rendezvous was quickly organised. My reasoning is that although I'll never find another Sally, I might as well find someone that looks a bit like her.

I've already got her some flowers. There was a gangland murder at the end of my street a couple of days ago and all I had to do was choose the most impressive bouquet that had been left at the scene. I guess I've always been the romantic type.